Attention given to others is returned more reliably than attention sought for oneself.
Carnegie's formulation is that two months of being interested in other people wins more friends than two years of trying to interest them in you. The mechanism is not mysterious: attention is scarce, most people receive less than they want, and someone who supplies it is unusual. The reciprocity norm then does the rest.
In practice
- A networking event worked for the person who asked questions and not for the one who prepared an introduction.
- An interviewer who is genuinely curious learns more than one working through a list.